Dementia is a difficult diagnosis. Unfortunately, it is one that many people will have to deal with personally at some point. If you suspect one of your parents has dementia, or if they have received a dementia diagnosis, you may wonder how to tell a parent they have dementia. These tips can help you find sensitive and helpful ways to talk to your parent about dementia and what it means for them.
Prepare Ahead of Time
You cannot over-prepare for this conversation. You must be ready for the emotional roller coaster that you are about to climb on. Keep in mind that both you and your parents will likely be emotionally strained by this conversation. It may help you retain the patience needed for a frank discussion.
You also want to prepare physically. Choose a quiet, comfortable, and familiar place to have this conversation. It can help to keep everyone calm and relaxed. You also want to ensure there are no disruptions or distractions while you talk to your parent. Do not bring up a dementia diagnosis over lunch at the cafe. It is a conversation much better held at home.
Another concern in choosing a location is how it affects your parent. You want a calm and soothing atmosphere. Playing quiet and familiar music may help to reduce stress.
A final thing you should prepare for is resistance. A dementia diagnosis is not easy for anyone. You should also understand that many people will deny the diagnosis.
Your parent may deny forgetting appointments or losing things. They might make excuses. They could even lash out at you, blaming you for the problems. A parent may claim that the doctor didn’t do a thorough assessment or deny that the symptoms are happening. If the dementia is advanced, paranoia may cause them to suspect you or their doctor has an ulterior motive for the diagnosis. Throughout any attacks or denials, do your best to remain firm, gentle, and supportive.
Stick to the Facts
Although this is going to be a very emotional conversation, you must stick to your concerns and the evidence that supports them. Talk about specific behaviors that raise red flags, such as leaving the stove on or forgetting to bathe. Be extra careful that these do not sound like accusations or criticism, something that can easily trigger a person with dementia.
Instead, use questions such as, “I’ve noticed that the laundry is piling up lately and you seem to be out of clean clothes, do you want to talk about what is happening?” or statements such as “Your doctor mentioned that you missed your last two appointments. I am concerned about you forgetting them.” These types of statements show that you are observing current behavior, are concerned about the consequences of it, and want to help find a solution. There is no finger-pointing.
Enlist Your Parent’s Healthcare Provider
You may need to involve your parent’s healthcare provider in this conversation. If that is the case, it may be better to have an appointment scheduled for later on or the next day. This will allow your parent to process the information you presented before speaking to a doctor. It also avoids the often stressful situation of a doctor’s office during the initial conversation.
If you have the chance to speak to your parent’s healthcare provider before the conversation, take it. This will give you a chance to share your observations, get a professional opinion, and discover resources for memory care that can be helpful to you and your parent. Talking to a doctor also lets you schedule testing to confirm a diagnosis if that hasn’t already been done.
Be Honest and Gentle
If you think it is hard for you to tell a parent they have dementia, imagine how hard it is for them to hear it. Honesty, compassion, and gentleness will go a long way to making this conversation easier.
Watch your tone of voice, trying hard to keep it calm and level. This helps avoid any appearance of a confrontation, even if your parent starts to argue. Explain your concerns and any evidence you have to support them. If your parent has not seen a doctor about memory issues, now is a good time to suggest that as a next step.
If you have spoken to a healthcare provider or have any test results, share that information gently. Explain what the results mean and what happens next. People can live independently for years with mild cognitive impairment, which could be helpful information here. Discuss steps that could be helpful, but be careful not to raise false hopes if your parent needs more care.
Listen to Your Parent
You may have avoided this earlier in life, but your parent really needs you to listen now. Provide a safe and empathetic place for them to express emotions and share fears. This is not easy for parents to do with their children, so exercise patience while they adjust.
Providing reassurance and support throughout every step of this conversation and the ones that will inevitably follow is crucial. Explaining concrete examples of steps you and your parent can take to adjust to a diagnosis can help bring it into perspective. For example, discuss how occupational therapy can help them learn strategies to stay organized, which may help them keep better track of things.
Explain the Next Steps
There are treatments and care options for people with dementia. This is very important to understand when exploring how to tell a parent they have dementia. Be firm in your support so your parent understands you will be with them through every step of the diagnosis and treatment process.
Present options for support groups, in-home assistance, and memory care that may be helpful. However, don’t overwhelm your parent with a ton of information at once. You have time to make adjustments to routines and living arrangements.
Explore Memory Care at Elder Care Alliance
Learning how to tell a parent they have dementia is hard. Finding great care for them shouldn’t be. At Elder Care Alliance, we are committed to providing superior care and life enrichment programs for older adults with dementia. Schedule a visit to one of our communities today to explore your options.
